I'm Not a Poet

I remember when I used to have panic attacks 
at parties sitting in joint circles 
waiting for the joint to be passed to me  
waiting to see how far 
I could make the panic go   

and right now    
having a panic attack at home   
about how I used to smoke   
and how maybe   
I’m not dealing with any of my demons correctly  

This poem will not deal in metaphors   
but it will use similes   
which are like metaphors     
which describe exactly what something is   
without accurately describing it 

I’ve been looking for the right word to describe myself    
something like metaphor   
attempting to describe myself while not exactly being myself   
I remember myself 
having panic attacks in joint circles     

and when asked what I was   
I told people poet   
instead of telling them I was more like a flashlight   
that I was attempting    
to discover what’s in all the dustiest boxes of my attic   

which is kind of like my brain  
but I don’t know how to describe my brain right    
and neither any therapists   
who have called my brain many things   
who have called it something like     

constantly changing    
which is just another way to say     
easily misdiagnosable    
and when that happens it is something 
like a mistake but is really nobody’s fault    

kind of like addiction   
kind of like attempting to describe yourself   
kind of like shaking hands
kind of like taking prescription medicine that hurts you    
kind of like saying “I’m a poet” for a better reflection

which is kind of like a metaphor    
but is more like a simile     
because you’re never really looking in the mirror    
if you’re trying to avert your own gaze     
but sometimes I look at my teeth    

which are kind of like my anxiety    
I brush them twice a day     
to rid my mouth of all the cruel things I have called myself    
which are kind of like self-affirmations    
just negative ones     

and you can do negative affirmations daily     
and still have high self-esteem     
is what my therapist told me     
which is kind of like narcissism     
which is kind of like thinking you have a problem when you have none       

which is kind of like marijuana addiction      
which many say doesn’t exist    
but I’m so happy I stopped      
and now I smoke these cigarettes     
which are kind of like joints just dangerous     

and I still have panic attacks        
which are kind of like mistakes        
but are not my fault         
and sometime I look in the mirror      
which is kind of like a black hole         

and I get lost in it    
until I forget what I look like    
which is kind of like what narcissus did          
which is kind of like how you memorize poems.     
you do them so much you forget them        

you do them so much you forget them      
you do them so much           
you can do drugs so much that you forget who you are       
and pretend you are something you are almost but are not       
which is kind of like a simile        

which is like a metaphor but is something a metaphor is not        
and I’m not a poet but I am like one       
I am a person in healing            
which is kind of like a person             
shaking a flashlight’s batteries            

and shaking a flashlight’s batteries         
and shaking a flashlight’s batteries       
and shaking