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God Sits Down to Watch The Game

10/21/2016

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God propped His feet on the ottoman and leaned back, a weary sigh escaping his massive lips. It had been a long week, full of giving, taking away, storms and other phenomena with the occasional miracle tossed in to keep people believing in Him. Now it was Sunday--His day of rest, Himdammit—and it was time to watch some football.

The preview shows were just ending and the first kickoff was in the air. God cracked open an ambrosia and had just scooped a corn chip in nectar when the phone rang. What now?!? He thought, but of course, being omnipotent, He already knew what they wanted. It was the same old shit as last week.

Please Lord, let me beat the spread.

God, please help the Lions make the playoffs just one more time before I die.

Oh most holy Father, make this preacher shut up so I can get home and watch the fucking game already.

Lord, please help the Broncos win.

Lord, please let the Seahawks win.

Lord, please let the Saints win, but only in a shootout because Drew Brees is the quarterback on my fantasy team but my opponent this week is playing the Saints’ defense, so I need a pretty specific kind of win, Big Guy. I got money on this. Amen.

And then, right on schedule, the weekly request from Florida. God, please give me a spot as a quarterback on an NFL team. I’ll do anything at all, really, anything, You name it. Love, Lil Timmy Tebow.

God shook His head. That boy would just never get the message.


​More prayers poured in from every team’s fan base, stadiums, and locker rooms. As they increased in volume, the regular everyday prayers boomed in as well. God sighed and put down his drink, heaved his massive form from his chair. “I guess I got to go take care of some of this,” He said to the Holy Ghost. “Just once I’d like to kick back and enjoy the game.”
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    Nicholas Morris

    Nicholas B. Morris is the author of the short story collections Tapeworm and The Boy in the Well, both now sadly out-of-print. He’s a founding member of Denver’s F-Bomb Reading Series, which is alive and well the third Tuesday of every month at the Mercury Café. In his other career, he’s a professor of Humanities and Literature at the Community College of Denver.

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  • Fall
    • Tayler Karinen
    • Benjamin Lindsey
    • Patrick Harrington
    • Rich Ives
    • Kelly Kotewa
    • Craig Rodgers
    • Laura Fletcher
    • Jen McConnell
    • Remi Skytterstad
  • Past Issues
    • YEAR ONE >
      • Issue 1: October >
        • Dalton Day
        • Camila Maldonado
        • Elizabeth Burton
        • Daniel Kay
        • Shelby Bevins-Sullivan
        • Ryan Havers
      • Issue 2: November >
        • Rob Sturma
        • Candi V. Auchterlonie
        • Christopher Mulrooney
        • William James
        • Andrew Rhys Young
        • Michael Cormack
        • Kayla Pongrac
      • Issue 3: December >
        • Ann Huang
        • Peter Vanderberg
        • John Sweet
        • Daniel von der Embse
        • Rebecca Dutsar
        • Sarah Kersey
        • Geramee Hensley
      • Issue 4: January >
        • Stacey Balkun
        • Nolan Liebert
        • Charles Bane Jr.
        • Carly Gordon
        • Yoni Hammer-Kossoy
        • Bryan Harvey
        • Jonathan May
      • Issue 5: February >
        • Meggie Royer
        • I. S. Jones
        • John O'Connor
        • Daniel von der Embse
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        • Jordan Jamison
        • Steve Meagher
        • Lauren Milici
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        • John Grabski
        • Brennan Bestwick
        • Niles M. Reddick
        • Rich Boucher
        • Steven Dunn
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        • Joseph Lisowski
        • James Fitzgerald
      • Issue 9: June >
        • Clair Dunlap
        • Kristen Arnett
        • Meggie Royer
        • Shannon Austin
        • Matthew Moffett
        • Jacqueline Kharouf
      • Issue 10: July >
        • Alexander Dang
        • Kathy Fish
        • Tiffany McDaniel
        • Leonor Morrow
        • Amy Silverberg
        • Alex Tedesco
      • Issue 11: August >
        • Louis Jenkins
        • Rebecca Harrison
        • Yuan Changming
        • Cathy Ulrich
        • Toti O'Brien
        • Erin Slaughter
      • Issue 12: September >
        • Anis Mojgani
        • Levi Andrew Noe
        • Davon Loeb
        • Paul Beckman
        • Lydia Havens
        • William Butler
        • Robert A. Kaufman
    • YEAR TWO >
      • Issue 13: October >
        • R. G. Evans
        • John Pistelli
        • Hannah Brown
        • Carl Boon
        • Christine Nichols
        • Joshua Robert Long
      • Issue 14: November >
        • Rushda Rafeek
        • John Grabski
        • Naima Woods
        • Peter Burzynski
        • Kathleen Radigan
      • Issue 15: December >
        • Jane Rosenberg LaForge
        • Darren C. Demaree
        • Prerna Bakshi
      • Issue 16: January >
        • Daniel Lynch
        • Lena Ziegler
        • Charles Freeland
        • GJ Hart
      • Issue 17: February >
        • Ignacio Peña
        • Kara McMullen
        • Abigail Marshall
        • Carol Park
        • Rob Hill
      • Issue 18: March >
        • Maggie Graber
        • Abigail George
        • Nazifa Islam
        • Matthew Moffett
      • Issue 19: April >
        • Steve Slavin
        • Olivia Grayson
        • Kristin Roedell
        • Roisin Kelly
      • Issue 20: May >
        • Michael Bartelt
        • Hannah Jane Pearson
        • William James
        • Mitchell Grabois
      • Issue 21: June >
        • Marina Carreira
        • Wade Bentley
        • Jen Howard
      • Issue 22: July >
        • Zebulon Huset
        • Vivian Hua
        • Stelth Ulvang
        • Henry Goldkamp
      • Issue 23: August >
        • Ron Gibson
        • Colleen Rich
        • Jefferson Navicky
        • Mehrnoosh Torbatnejad
        • Simon Perchik
      • Issue 24: September >
        • Sally J. Johnson
        • Lewis Mundt
        • April Vázquez
        • Emma Hutson
    • YEAR THREE >
      • Issue 25: October >
        • Peter Weltner
        • Nicholas Morris
        • Ola Faleti
        • Phoebe Nicholson
      • Issue 26: November >
        • Effy Fritz
        • Maxwell Radwin
        • David Atkinson
        • Eddy Jordan
      • Issue 27: December >
        • Jon Bennett
        • Stephanie Valente
        • Leigh Cheak
      • Issue 28: January >
        • Adrienne Novy
        • John Grabski
        • Fay Sachpatzidis
        • Paulie Lipman
        • Sarah David
      • Issue 29: February >
        • Ron Gibson Jr.
        • Amanda Kabak
        • Travis Naught
        • Allen Forrest
        • Susan Monaghan
      • Issue 30: March >
        • Hannah Larrabee
        • ​Lino Anunciacion
        • Karese Burrows
        • Reneé Bibby
        • Liz Howard
        • Kalani Pickhart
      • Issue 31: April >
        • Nina Murray
        • Daniel Blokh
        • Benjamin Harnett
        • Wheeler Light
      • Issue 32: May >
        • Kristen M. Ploetz
        • Terry Ann Wright
        • Craig Loomis
        • Thaddeus Rutkowski
      • Issue 33: June >
        • Ailish Woollett
        • Nandini Dhar
        • Alex Ivey
        • Hazem Fahmy
        • Jennifer Moore
      • Issue 34: July >
        • Christine No
        • Sarah Destin
        • Claire Hopple
        • Maura Lee Bee
      • Issue 35: August >
        • Luisana Cortez
        • Aza Pace
        • Carrie Chappell
        • Adam Lock
      • Issue 36: September >
        • Jill Mceldowney
        • Leon Kortenkamp
        • Sarah Jones
        • Darren Demaree
    • YEAR FOUR >
      • Issue 37: October >
        • Hannah Stone
        • William Doreski
        • Sarah Wetzel
        • C. T. Salazar
      • Issue 38: November >
        • Kristen Ploetz
        • Stephanie Rael
        • Brittany Frederick
        • Jay Sheets
        • Andy Cashmore
      • Issue 39: December >
        • Taylor Mali
        • Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz
        • John Williams
        • Iskandar Haggarty
        • Donald Hubbard
        • Kenneth Otani
        • Alex Miller
      • SPRING >
        • Simon Perchik
        • Lino Anunciacion
        • Colleen Rich
        • Donia Mounsef
        • Nitzan Meltzer Watman
        • Ann Hillesland
        • DJ Swykert
      • SUMMER >
        • Cynthia X. Hua
        • Heidi Seaborn
        • Daniel Nester
        • Ginnah Howard
        • Jonathan Bracker
      • FALL >
        • William James
        • Laura Bentley
        • Ally Ang
        • Kurt Luchs
        • Joanna Hoffman
      • Winter >
        • Danny Caine
        • Emma Wang
        • Maria McLeod
        • Darren Demaree
        • Susan J. Mitchell
      • SPRING >
        • Sandra Kolankiewicz
        • Michael O'Neill
        • Lino Anunciacion
        • Katherine Fallon
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